Jul 22, 2009
What Is Smothering And How You Can Stop Suffocating Her
You’re in a relationship. You guys love each other, talk often, and everything just seems to go perfect. One day, out of the blue, she tells you four words you never expected to hear: “I need some space.” You’re like, “…What?” You wonder what the hell is going on. Why did all of this happen out of nowhere? What possible mistake could you have made? Guess what buddy? You were smothering her and you didn’t even know it.
What is Smothering?
Smothering is when you continue to call her, text her, tell her how much you miss and love her every waking moment, 24/7 and 365 days a year. It’s when you see her almost every day. It’s when you get worried for her for absolutely no reason and always telling her to be okay. In general, it’s when she has too much unwanted exposure to you. It’s something guys do unintentionally and a lot of times, is the reason girls dump guys.
Think about it. Would you like to get fifty phone calls during the day? Would you honestly spend every damned minute with her? I didn’t think so and guess what? They feel that way too. What happens usually is that guys feel that in order to keep the relationship wheels turning, they need to constantly remind the girls that they care and that they love them.
Why is it so bad?
It makes logical sense right? In actuality, it turns them off considerably. It makes them want to see you less. It makes them not want to think about you at all because they’re just so overexposed to you. You know what that is? The absolute opposite of attraction. As you write her poems and shit, she wants to see and talk to you less and less and that strains your relationship, a lot of times to the point of breaking up. It’s not sweet, it’s not cute. As much as you try to justify and defend your need to tell her you love hair a hundred fucking times a day, smothering is annoying and she will HATE you for it.
Fortunately, it’s easy to avoid this pitfall.
You see, you need to change your mindset first and foremost. You need to tell yourself that:
- You don’t have to talk to her all day.
- You don’t have to see her EVERY day.
- Just because she isn’t talking to you, doesn’t mean she’s being mean.
- Keep the “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY OMG” shit down. It’s not sweet or romantic, only creepy.
- If you truly miss her every second of your life, you seriously need to make friends and find hobbies. She should NOT be the center of your life.
It happens to everybody.
This is very common for those that are getting in their first real relationships. You must realize that the more you give in to your insecurities, the more you’re pushing her away. Don’t always call or text her. Let her live her life and you should live yours. You don’t always have to hang out. I find that seeing your girl twice a week is optimal. That way, you guys don’t terribly miss each other, but are apart long enough to really look forward to your next meeting. The amount of time you guys spend together doesn’t equal how much love there is between you two.
In the event it’s too late and she wants some space, it’s best you give it to her. Let her just chill out for a while and before you know it, you guys should be back the way it was before.
Also see: 5 Relationship Mistakes Men Commonly Make
my chick calls me up one night and says we need to talk, she says “we talk way too much! today and yesterday i didnt even want to talk to you at all, i kno that sounds bad but i didnt, so i call Kim (her sister) and talked to her, i asked her if it was bad that i didnt want tot talk to you and she says yea,, considering you two talk ALL THE TIME” i guess we do i mean im not hiding it but idk if i should just LEAVE HER ALONE and only talk to her when she calls or texts me or if i should just call her at night when i kno we both have the time, i need some guidance, i dont want this to end because she is a great girl. Advice?
It’s best if you just give her the space she needs.
It sucks because you’re always going to wander what she’s thinking and all that stuff, but really, you should just take some time off and focus on yourself. Especially if she says that you guys talk all the time, DEFINITELY give her space.
This will allow you both to focus on yourselves as well as start fresh. When you’re always talking and hanging out, there’s very little room for new things to come up like jokes, activities and such. You always want to keep her engaged and maybe a little time off is needed until you guys start clicking again.
Give her space but DON’T leave her alone or ignore her. That’s the biggest mistake you can probably make.
Hi! I love your website! It’s been a great tool for me on my recent relationship.
Altough I need some advice, because my girlfriend lives in another city and she spends a lot of time with her ex-boyfriend. I tell you, I’m learning a lot about jealousy and confidence. But I’m smothering her yet.
I just can’t stop it. Sometimes I can’t eat before talking to her. One day I felt so anxious that I threw up many times. I’ll start to see a therapist next week, but I’m open to any advice to make me see that she’s not the center of my life.
Thank you very much.
Ok, I’ve had a big issue lately of smothering my girlfriend and one day she finally confronted me about me. Well as I think about I realize I was smothering her and ALWAYS trying to be around her and wondering what she was thinking/doing. I have since told her I am going to change and not smother anymore. My question is, how do I go about this when we live together? I understand the idea of getting out of the house and hanging with friends and such but what about the times when we are both home? How do I know when its ok to watch TV with her or if I should go to another room and play on the computer? I cant figure out how to determine when and when not to be in the same room as her.
My roommate brought an adorable, sweet guy home for me. We started dating and he was incredibly attentive, kind, wonderful. The his visits became more and more frequent. He lives two doors down from me and ran his own business which was slow at the moment. Needless to say, he had more time than usual and so did I. I worked out of my house. His visits became every single waking free moment within one month. I thought I was being checked up on constantly. I am taking about five or six times in one day along with constant texts and calls saying how much he MISSED me and HE LOVES ME SOOOO MUCH. I hardly knew the guy and wondered what lonely planet he had come from.
It started to annoy me when he followed me into every room asking me when I was going to be done with whatever I was doing. He constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY had to have his hands on me rubbing me, kissing me trying to make out with me, groping me, complaining if I was one foot away from him. I would move out of his reach only to have him move closer to me and start the rub a dub dub session all over again completely negating any sort of subtle social hints I finally had it after a face bath session in front of my guests followed with bizarre stare downs and a potential let me get my tongue down your throat in any way possible in front of anyone who might want to see gesture that was so utterly inappropriate in this particular social situation that even a porn star/exhibitionist would have known better. Night after night, day after day I had NO privacy or even a minute to myself. This guy was even jealous of my dog and asked me to get rid of her. A kiss could never be nice. It was a jack rabbit routine to instantly have sex. It was totally gross. The I love you words absolutely POURed out of his mouth. You are so beautiful, ass kissing comments non-stop, what can I do for you, constant gifts and needing constant validation and compliments, constant bragging about how lucky I was to have him, he is so wealthy and this and that.
My friends just see him as a nice guy, which he is, but this was wayyyyyy beyond anything I had ever experienced before. He is a very handsome guy who now, because of his vile neediness is the least attractive guy I could ever encounter. I hope he snaps out of it because when I approached the subject, he just told me that someone else must have ruined it for me and I was just not romantic. I told him that he was the neediest, most clingy, co-dependent person I had ever met and that he suffocated me to new levels. He pushed me to such levels that I just had to tell him the truth.
I read on one of these blogs ………. If a girl asks for space , give her twice as much room as she can handle !!!! Well , please consider my own humble view. Whether the words are smothering ; controlling ; possesive ; ….ect ect. This can only mean they have lost interest in you . Ask yourself …..would they say that to Brad Pitt or another guy they may think is a stud or ” completes her ” ? Hell no !!!! You’ve become the relationship …….she’s bored of the routine and predictability . And I garuantee this would not be an issue for familiarity and routine can be quite rewarding if not for the exciting new friend ( that you have no idea about ) wasn’t so enticing and exciting to her . No worries ………. once your no longer together her new relationship will get dull and you will then become the forbidden fruit. So………anyone asking for space ……open the window and let them jump !!!!!!
I recently got engaged and we have been very happy. The reason why I’m writing this if because I came across to this topic because that is exactly what ahe told me yesterday. ” you are smothering me” and ” you are becoming needy and want to be loved” I was like what the fuck???? To myself but I knew I have become that way. Every second telling her how much I love her and how lucky I am to have found her…etc, needesly to say I call her and text her a lot!! I mean a lot!!! I really do care for her but hearing these words really hurt me. I don’t want to loose her.
I just have to say that as I completely understand where girls are coming from on this, sometimes you bring it on yourselves. In my case, she used to be the one smothering me. One day she told me that I wasn’t being romantic enough or paying enough attention and she was having doubts. We talked about it and I agreed to kick things up a notch since she was feeling like I wasn’t paying enough attention to her. I still never called her more than a few times a week but I did start doing more little things for her when we were together. She still called me and wanted to hang out more often than I did. About a month later she says I’m smothering her. Sheesh! Women can be so hard to understand and it doesn’t help that they’re constantly changing their minds. Us guys aren’t psychic you know. Oh well, we love you just the same. Sometimes you have to give us a break though. Anyway, things are getting better now. It’s just tricky to find the right balance between not enough and too much.
Lately ihave been feeling that my guy is smothering me to the limits . he is constantle telling me how much he loves me , i am his life , he wants to marry me ( Gosh i am just 18 ) he just wants to be with me all the time . i feel scared . he is too obsessive and always telling me what to do and even how to think .. like seriously HOW TO THINK !!!!!! he is too stuborn to hear no. eve no simple things if i say a no he is like u don’t love me blah blah blah ! i can’t confront to him as he wont listen . i am also too scared to hurt him . he is been acting like some psycho , & i fear he might hurt himself or me after hearing what i am feeling . but its really hard to live with this suffocation his excessive love is causing me . he is a gr8 guy. nice , sweet , funny , caring evrythng a girl wants. but his i love u too much thing is pushing me away . plz suggest me how to confront him ? i did asked for some space and time after a recent argument but he refused to give any ! he is like we are perfect , we love each other and things are fine b/w us .. u dont need any time ! WTF
what should i do ?
This is a very informative article and quite enlightening. My story is like this, I met a girl very cute. To shorten things, we hit it off pretty well, we had a great time laughed and all. I really liked her because she is fun to be with and down to earth. However she did constantly mention about her daughter this daughter that. I’m not saying that I want her to neglect her daughter, and even agreed to her that her daughter was priority. But what I’m getting at with this chick is that she wants her daughter to be the world and forget about everyone else or rather “forget living”. Just school and daughter is what i’m getting at with her. She keeps mentioning “daughter this daughter that” and that the daughter will take up most of her time. I guess it was my fault for joking by saying “we’ll see”. After that, I barely texted her like seriously not that much, plus she responds to them, all of a sudden she told me i’m “smothering her”. Though I was truely confused….I almost thought she was crazy, I respected her and did not contact her for a while and gave her space. But after I apologized even though I have really nothing to apologize too (or maybe I do tell me if I do haha), she is still being hard-nosed about it. Girls are fickle minded sometimes and wishy washy and really do change their minds. At times they just blow out of proportion in the blink of an eye and it’s sooo hard to get a read on them. Help me out, help me understand and perhaps advise me if there is anything I can do about my situation. Thanks.
Right, so here’s my story… I have met this perfect guy, seen him for about 5 months before we went “officiall”. He’s never talked about his feelings much and has often explained to me that he is not quite the “emotional type”, which is find, he still does sweet things like cooking breakfast, taking pictures of things that remind him of me etc. Now I found a text of him talking to his mate where he said he can’t make it out because he’s doing “the usual”(spending time with me)…we only see each other on weekends as we live an hours drive from each other and I don’t see how that is “too much”? Whenever he wants to go somewhere I let him, I always wish him a nice time etc but in his text he literally said “we’re not gonna last long,if she doesn’t stop smothing me”. Like I say, we only see each other Fri-Sun and didn’t see each other for a whole month two months ago, we do text everyday but we always have and I’m not texting more than him. We don’t talk on the phone everyday, more once a week – if I ask for it… I don’t know what to do cause from my pov I am giving him quite a lot of space but still he’s saying to his mate I am smothering him?!
It really upset me and I don’t know what to do…
Dawg, this helps a lot. Me and my girlfriend have been going out for half a year and she said she feels suffocated kinda. She said I was around her too much, although we only hang out once a month and see each other ay school everyday at the BEGINNING of the day, sometimes I’d wallk her to class and at the end of the day. We never argue, she’s not clingy or over-jealous but somehow over the last few months, I feel like I’ve become that. I can see now exactly what I’m doing/did wrong.
I live with my boyfriend and lately he’s been out mostly during my day off at work and I don’t really like it cause I used to trust him goin out but there are incidents that happens before so I started to get worry a lot about him, but it’s not cheating, other personal incidents. So everytime he’s out and the hits midnight I started to text him a lot, calling him million times, and sometimes he don’t come home. I can’t chill out when he’s not here, can’t sleep till he gets here. But he never respond to any of my calls or text. I can’t reach him anymore when he’s out. He’s my only friend, well my other friends are busy and don’t want to do anything or hang out, I can’t go with my boyfriend when he’s out cause I’m just 20 and he’s 25. I can’t go in to the bars, I don’t know what to do, I always cry everytime he’s out. And it’s really killing me when he’s not responding to me. Help me what to do
You leave this space. Find your own fun whatever that may be. Stay out as late as you want. And make him worry about u. Which he will! If you have your own things going on!
I’ve had this problem over and over again, it has ruined many of my relationships and I’m really learning about suffocating my wife at this very moment. I’m a guy that has a tendency to be extremely suffocating in my relationship with my woman, and like everyone says on here, she will run if you don’t give it to get. We recently separated because of this issue, I was not aware of, I don’t read minds for crying out loud ladies, please talk to your man and let him know about it and don’t wait til it gets to the point when it’s almost to late! Although we’re separated now, we seem to be slowly working on it and we see eachother maybe 2x a week, but it seem it’s only for sex. So does that mean we’re just fuck buddies now? IDK but we are married and this fucking balance thing with women sucks because, either us men don’t give you enough attention or it’s too much. You bitch with or without it? WTF? I see what the point of all the talk of suffocation is and does have validity. I have given my woman space and it seems to be slowly feeling better but it rips me inside thinking about the shit. Being truly secure with yourself seems to be a good start as well. Can anyone tell me the cure for a man like me? I know I am very smothering but I don’t want to be that way. I want me and my wife to have the best relationship possible, I love her and don’t want to loose her. Please help?!
Oh man oh man, what a great helpful blog. I’m headed in this direction. I’m in constant communication with my girlfriend and I know it pisses her off that I go ahead talk about topics about our relationship, but I feel it’s needed sometimes that we talk about us and BOOM! I found my answer from her. I bookmarked this blog just in case I fall off of my goal.
Thank you!
Dear abcdefg……
I was married to a man like that……His personality letters (Myers Briggs) were ISTJ. H e sold real estate and you would never know from his public persona how much he could isolate at home. He needed so much space that he never even cared where I was, wouldn’t ride in the car with me, and kept all finances and business stuff “none of my business”…….
I was super busy with working late a middle school child w dance and churxh activities that all took place 30 miles from home in another town! I did not require or asking for any time except an occasional weekend date ( 1x month, maybe) and a little sex….we went 12 weeks the year we got married w NONE. He talked to an aqauintance, catching up, 2 weeks after we got married and never mentioned he had gotten married!
I thought he was cheating but turns out he was adicted to porn. It really fit his secret personality much better. Those random images are not requiring him to do anything or be anywhere or take out the trash or try to talk to him…….and believe me….TALK was a bad word at our house. Occasionally he would be interactive or playful on his terms, at which time I felt I had to stay and participate no matter what my plans because you never know when the affection will come agian…it was very hurtful. Not s ure why he decided to marry me after 5 years of together/break up/ back together, Maybe to please his mom, who ended up hating me cause I was so hurt and lonely and angry, or becauuse he truly loved my daughter, Definitely the opposite of smothering…… Hugs to you and best to find one who can love you….. Thses guys can’t. He wanted to, and whwn he sees me to this day he says i was the best wife and lover he could have hoped for. “Too bad we just can’t live together” he says!!! I say BALANCE IS THE KEY!!! Now I tend to get with the smothering type!
Good riddance and good luck! Hugs to you…you probably need them!!!
to the Windows operating systems – 95/98, XP and Vista. I first started using computers on a semi-regular basis in 1996, and by 1998 had access to a computer at fake hermes purses http://fakehermeswallet.blogspot.com/
My last relationship ended badly. She dumped me after telling me she “wasn’t in love” anymore. Did some thinking and realized what happened.
This is going to sound sexist but bare with me. I let HER run and lead our relationship. The first couple of months she called and text me everyday and night–even at work. First it was kinda cool but eventually it got annoying, but I didn’t tell her that. Hey, I was in love. We would hang out whenever SHE wanted and we’d see each other anytime SHE wanted. SHE was in charge.
I should have being a man and told her no or that I was busy and should have called the shots, but I was trying to make her happy and show her how much she meant to me. Eventually we smoothered each other. One day she stopped texting and calling me. WTF. Two days later I asked what was up? She said she was tired and busy with work, which she NEVER was before.
We talked and saw each other less and less over the next two weeks. I sensed something was wrong. I suddenly became the one calling and texting her and telling her how much I missed her and to tell me if something was wrong. All that mushy shit(Damn, I want to throw up right now). Eventually, she text me and told me the we needed to talk. My heart dropped.
She said she needed a break and then after some probing admitted she didn’t love me anymore and she was seeing someone else. I went ballistic (no physical voilence). I’ve never felt so used and disrespected in my life. She used me to feel good about herself. It was all about her–not about me. Once she got what she needed and wanted she moved on someone better–in her mind.
I smoothered her and stopped being a challenge and didn’t even know it until she dropped the bomb. She even called me “controlling”! And the funny thing was, she was the one in charge–how screwed up is that? I look back it and now and laugh. I’m older and wiser now and moved on. I’m my own man now and learned my lesson.
Christ please have a personal 1 on 1 with my guy! He just doesn’t get it and I told him he didn’t have to call and text me every night. The stupid thing is this sudden overbearingness came after a small breakup/fight that was preceeded by him ignoring me & hardly speaking to me for over 4 weeks! When I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago the smothering just escalated to a whole new level & is straining things with my parents as he decides to randomly show up at our house any time of night just because I didn’t answer his 20 texts+calls all day. Mind you he also does this while I’m at work & in class when I can’t answer my phone anyway, it isn’t even supposed to be turned on.
I’m so fed up I don’t want to call myself his fiancee anymore, I stopped wearing my ring, I want to move away change my name & not have this kid as this is only a fraction of the problems we have. And yes I’ve already explained the need for space & me time long ago.
The girl I’m seeing I have no choice to see her everyday because we take a class together from monday to friday…the thing is she felt a little smothered because after class we would go out to lunch or hang out….what can I do for her not to feel smothered?