Jul 22, 2009
What Is Smothering And How You Can Stop Suffocating Her
You’re in a relationship. You guys love each other, talk often, and everything just seems to go perfect. One day, out of the blue, she tells you four words you never expected to hear: “I need some space.” You’re like, “…What?” You wonder what the hell is going on. Why did all of this happen out of nowhere? What possible mistake could you have made? Guess what buddy? You were smothering her and you didn’t even know it.
What is Smothering?
Smothering is when you continue to call her, text her, tell her how much you miss and love her every waking moment, 24/7 and 365 days a year. It’s when you see her almost every day. It’s when you get worried for her for absolutely no reason and always telling her to be okay. In general, it’s when she has too much unwanted exposure to you. It’s something guys do unintentionally and a lot of times, is the reason girls dump guys.
Think about it. Would you like to get fifty phone calls during the day? Would you honestly spend every damned minute with her? I didn’t think so and guess what? They feel that way too. What happens usually is that guys feel that in order to keep the relationship wheels turning, they need to constantly remind the girls that they care and that they love them.
Why is it so bad?
It makes logical sense right? In actuality, it turns them off considerably. It makes them want to see you less. It makes them not want to think about you at all because they’re just so overexposed to you. You know what that is? The absolute opposite of attraction. As you write her poems and shit, she wants to see and talk to you less and less and that strains your relationship, a lot of times to the point of breaking up. It’s not sweet, it’s not cute. As much as you try to justify and defend your need to tell her you love hair a hundred fucking times a day, smothering is annoying and she will HATE you for it.
Fortunately, it’s easy to avoid this pitfall.
You see, you need to change your mindset first and foremost. You need to tell yourself that:
- You don’t have to talk to her all day.
- You don’t have to see her EVERY day.
- Just because she isn’t talking to you, doesn’t mean she’s being mean.
- Keep the “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY OMG” shit down. It’s not sweet or romantic, only creepy.
- If you truly miss her every second of your life, you seriously need to make friends and find hobbies. She should NOT be the center of your life.
It happens to everybody.
This is very common for those that are getting in their first real relationships. You must realize that the more you give in to your insecurities, the more you’re pushing her away. Don’t always call or text her. Let her live her life and you should live yours. You don’t always have to hang out. I find that seeing your girl twice a week is optimal. That way, you guys don’t terribly miss each other, but are apart long enough to really look forward to your next meeting. The amount of time you guys spend together doesn’t equal how much love there is between you two.
In the event it’s too late and she wants some space, it’s best you give it to her. Let her just chill out for a while and before you know it, you guys should be back the way it was before.
Also see: 5 Relationship Mistakes Men Commonly Make
my chick calls me up one night and says we need to talk, she says “we talk way too much! today and yesterday i didnt even want to talk to you at all, i kno that sounds bad but i didnt, so i call Kim (her sister) and talked to her, i asked her if it was bad that i didnt want tot talk to you and she says yea,, considering you two talk ALL THE TIME” i guess we do i mean im not hiding it but idk if i should just LEAVE HER ALONE and only talk to her when she calls or texts me or if i should just call her at night when i kno we both have the time, i need some guidance, i dont want this to end because she is a great girl. Advice?
It’s best if you just give her the space she needs.
It sucks because you’re always going to wander what she’s thinking and all that stuff, but really, you should just take some time off and focus on yourself. Especially if she says that you guys talk all the time, DEFINITELY give her space.
This will allow you both to focus on yourselves as well as start fresh. When you’re always talking and hanging out, there’s very little room for new things to come up like jokes, activities and such. You always want to keep her engaged and maybe a little time off is needed until you guys start clicking again.
Give her space but DON’T leave her alone or ignore her. That’s the biggest mistake you can probably make.
Hi! I love your website! It’s been a great tool for me on my recent relationship.
Altough I need some advice, because my girlfriend lives in another city and she spends a lot of time with her ex-boyfriend. I tell you, I’m learning a lot about jealousy and confidence. But I’m smothering her yet.
I just can’t stop it. Sometimes I can’t eat before talking to her. One day I felt so anxious that I threw up many times. I’ll start to see a therapist next week, but I’m open to any advice to make me see that she’s not the center of my life.
Thank you very much.
Ok, I’ve had a big issue lately of smothering my girlfriend and one day she finally confronted me about me. Well as I think about I realize I was smothering her and ALWAYS trying to be around her and wondering what she was thinking/doing. I have since told her I am going to change and not smother anymore. My question is, how do I go about this when we live together? I understand the idea of getting out of the house and hanging with friends and such but what about the times when we are both home? How do I know when its ok to watch TV with her or if I should go to another room and play on the computer? I cant figure out how to determine when and when not to be in the same room as her.
My roommate brought an adorable, sweet guy home for me. We started dating and he was incredibly attentive, kind, wonderful. The his visits became more and more frequent. He lives two doors down from me and ran his own business which was slow at the moment. Needless to say, he had more time than usual and so did I. I worked out of my house. His visits became every single waking free moment within one month. I thought I was being checked up on constantly. I am taking about five or six times in one day along with constant texts and calls saying how much he MISSED me and HE LOVES ME SOOOO MUCH. I hardly knew the guy and wondered what lonely planet he had come from.
It started to annoy me when he followed me into every room asking me when I was going to be done with whatever I was doing. He constantly and I mean CONSTANTLY had to have his hands on me rubbing me, kissing me trying to make out with me, groping me, complaining if I was one foot away from him. I would move out of his reach only to have him move closer to me and start the rub a dub dub session all over again completely negating any sort of subtle social hints I finally had it after a face bath session in front of my guests followed with bizarre stare downs and a potential let me get my tongue down your throat in any way possible in front of anyone who might want to see gesture that was so utterly inappropriate in this particular social situation that even a porn star/exhibitionist would have known better. Night after night, day after day I had NO privacy or even a minute to myself. This guy was even jealous of my dog and asked me to get rid of her. A kiss could never be nice. It was a jack rabbit routine to instantly have sex. It was totally gross. The I love you words absolutely POURed out of his mouth. You are so beautiful, ass kissing comments non-stop, what can I do for you, constant gifts and needing constant validation and compliments, constant bragging about how lucky I was to have him, he is so wealthy and this and that.
My friends just see him as a nice guy, which he is, but this was wayyyyyy beyond anything I had ever experienced before. He is a very handsome guy who now, because of his vile neediness is the least attractive guy I could ever encounter. I hope he snaps out of it because when I approached the subject, he just told me that someone else must have ruined it for me and I was just not romantic. I told him that he was the neediest, most clingy, co-dependent person I had ever met and that he suffocated me to new levels. He pushed me to such levels that I just had to tell him the truth.
I read on one of these blogs ………. If a girl asks for space , give her twice as much room as she can handle !!!! Well , please consider my own humble view. Whether the words are smothering ; controlling ; possesive ; ….ect ect. This can only mean they have lost interest in you . Ask yourself …..would they say that to Brad Pitt or another guy they may think is a stud or ” completes her ” ? Hell no !!!! You’ve become the relationship …….she’s bored of the routine and predictability . And I garuantee this would not be an issue for familiarity and routine can be quite rewarding if not for the exciting new friend ( that you have no idea about ) wasn’t so enticing and exciting to her . No worries ………. once your no longer together her new relationship will get dull and you will then become the forbidden fruit. So………anyone asking for space ……open the window and let them jump !!!!!!
I recently got engaged and we have been very happy. The reason why I’m writing this if because I came across to this topic because that is exactly what ahe told me yesterday. ” you are smothering me” and ” you are becoming needy and want to be loved” I was like what the fuck???? To myself but I knew I have become that way. Every second telling her how much I love her and how lucky I am to have found her…etc, needesly to say I call her and text her a lot!! I mean a lot!!! I really do care for her but hearing these words really hurt me. I don’t want to loose her.
I just have to say that as I completely understand where girls are coming from on this, sometimes you bring it on yourselves. In my case, she used to be the one smothering me. One day she told me that I wasn’t being romantic enough or paying enough attention and she was having doubts. We talked about it and I agreed to kick things up a notch since she was feeling like I wasn’t paying enough attention to her. I still never called her more than a few times a week but I did start doing more little things for her when we were together. She still called me and wanted to hang out more often than I did. About a month later she says I’m smothering her. Sheesh! Women can be so hard to understand and it doesn’t help that they’re constantly changing their minds. Us guys aren’t psychic you know. Oh well, we love you just the same. Sometimes you have to give us a break though. Anyway, things are getting better now. It’s just tricky to find the right balance between not enough and too much.