Aug 31, 2009
This is you from her point of view.
Arguments happen all the fucking time, and they’re inevitable. And a lot of times, they can escalate to ridiculous heights and whole fights break out. And while it’s okay to argue sometimes, what tends to happen is one would initiate personal attacks on the other and things spiral way out of control. This is especially true with couples and often damages their stability. Having complaints about the other is normal, but criticisms hurt and should be controlled if not outright forbidden.
What’s the difference?
Generally, a complaint is a statement of dissatisfaction. For example, your girl laughs in a way that really annoys you, and you let her know that it does. Simple as that. A criticism, on the other hand, is a full on personal attack, usually done with ill intent. Unfortunately, we lose control and we tend to accidentally criticize our others when all we want to do just vent our frustrations to them, and that leads to a lot of trouble.
Compare these two:
“You know the smell of curry chicken is really strong and it makes my clothes smell funny. You should make sure there’s proper ventilation when you’re cooking.”
“You know how much I hate the smell of curry chicken. Why can’t you ever properly ventilate when you’re cooking? I hate repeating myself. Why do you always have to be so careless and forgetful?
They both have the same idea, but which of these do you think is more hurtful? In general, a complaint turns to criticism when you start insulting and attacking them personally.
Why is criticizing so bad?
Criticisms are awful because in no instance should you insult somebody unless they really and truly deserve it (which most of the time is unlikely). When it comes to relationships, you must be very careful about what you say to your partner. A lot of girls are easily discouraged and don’t have as much thick skin and thus aren’t so susceptible to even the smallest of criticisms.
Criticisms KILL their self-esteem. It crushes them into little pieces and make them feel worthless and inadequate. Why the fuck would you wanna make a girl cry? She isn’t with you to hear you bitch about how she sucks at life. You’re supposed to make her happy.
By always telling her that she can’t do anything right, she will really start to believe you. This will affect not only your relationship but her life in general, and I fucking GUARANTEE a break-up will be on the horizon.
The criticisms go both ways. Do you ever want your girl to tell you you’re worthless or you can’t do anything right? Do you want them to associate you with every bad thing that happens?
How can you get around it?
Is there a way to vent your frustrations and making your point without making her feel like shit? Absolutely. There’s nothing that can’t be solved without civil conversations. Sit her down, let her know what’s bugging you. Even if you’re fuming, control yourself. Men shouldn’t lose control over their emotions–that’s a sign of weakness.
Talk to her, and let her know what’s going on. She can’t fix whatever she’s doing wrong if she doesn’t know that it even bothers you. Insulting and berating her won’t speed up the process either. Usually, girls will realize and acknowledge the fault when you bring it up and they will work to fixing it on their own.
Remember, she wants to keep you happy as well.
Arguments are necessary
As annoying as they are, arguments are necessary to have a long and lasting relationship. If you aren’t having arguments in your relationship, chances are you both are bottling things in which is EXTREMELY unhealthy. Couples have a hard time saying what they really feel, which ends up on huge scale feuds and hurt feelings.
Arguments also allow you guys to figure out what’s bugging you both and how you can reach a compromise. That being said, if you’re arguing too often, then you guys need to sort yourselves out and ask if you two should really be together.
Whenever you’re annoyed with somebody, it’s okay to express your feelings. However, that can be done civilly. Complaints will happen, but don’t ever tread into criticism territory. It’s hurtful and 90% of the time completely unwarranted. Talk things out with her and you’re likely to have better results than when you’re beating her self-esteem senseless.